Edward's Revelations
by emillythestrange
Summary: What did Edward think while Bella "died" in New Moon? What did he do to justify what he thought? Read to find out.
1. Bella's Edward

Bella had been my sanctuary. My heaven, amidst the evil in this world. But I threw that all away. I had thrown it all away, even if she did want to be with me forever, she only thought that she did. She didn't realize that one day, she wouldn't want me anymore, and would need so much more than me. She deserved better than me. She deserved more. I'd rejected her, thrown her away, lied to her, destroyed her. And now, I was in hell.  
I deserved it. I'll admit, that my misery was rightfully earned. If I had never left her, I would never have felt this pain. I could have stayed at her side forever, smelling her scent, seeing her smile. All for a price. And that was a price I didn't want to pay. Her soul was far too precious for me to barter with the devil. She was an angel, what would she want with a demon?  
Bella was a one of a kind. She was so determined, that if she set her heart and mind to it, she could achieve it. When she decided that she didn't want to live anymore without me, she took her own life. I was the cause for that. I was the cause for her pain, her suffering. She'd given me love, and how had I repaid her? I'd shoved her away. Trying to protect her and my family. It was my fault that I was now on a plane ride to Volterra. Home to the Volturi.

Oh, Bella. I thought. If only you'd waited a little longer. I would have come back eventually. I would have gone back to you, and begged you to forgive me and take me back. Why did you have to leave me so soon?

Her voice replied in my head. I told you before. I love you, remember? I can't exist without you. 

Hearing the voice was so . . . fulfilling, it was too much for me. I wanted more of that beautiful, soft voice. I could see the face, the lips speaking those words in my mind. I could feel those same lips brush themselves across the back of my neck, outlining the shape of my own lips. I would have given anything to have her with me. Beside me. Next to me. Anything.

Now, I was going to the Volturi. I was on a plane to Italy, waiting. Waiting for the plane to land, waiting for the Volturi to do their job, but most of all, waiting to be in Bella's warm embrace again.

The Bella in my mind knew what I was planning. She knew exactly what I was thinking.

No! Don't do this, Edward! Her voice was magical in it's beauty. 

I'm sorry, Bella. But this is the only way where we can be together forever. 

But you didn't want me! She argued. You didn't want me anymore! You left me! Now, now that I've finally found peace, peace from the gaping hole in my chest. Peace from the voices that plagued the inside of my mind. Peace from the pain from the chasm where my heart used to be, you want to come back? You want me back? No! Stop this right now! 

The plane was descending. I could feel it. A minute later, a voice on the intercom stated, "Please put on your seatbelts. We are nearing the descent to Rome's airport." My seatbelt was already on.

I just want to be with you forever.

That's not what you wanted. That's not what you said when you left me.

You don't understand, Bella. I left for you. I left while loving you. Can't you understand that?

No. I understand that what I wanted, I could not get. I understand that you, the only person I would ever love in my entire life, left me so that I would not hold you back. I understand that you didn't love me anymore, you didn't want me anymore, and the entire 'I love you' charade was only a joke. I understand, that whatever I . . . wanted . . . from . . .with you, was torn away when you left me. You didn't want me, Edward! You didn't love me anymore. You didn't even love me in the first place. You decided that the game was boring! That's why you left!

No. Please, please, my angel, please understand. I never meant to hurt you! I never meant for you to die! I always loved you!

No? But that's too late, isn't it? It's too late, because I'm already dead.

The voice faded away, and my mental arguments with my mental Bella ceased. My heart felt as if it had been torn out of my chest. Even if I went to Hell or even if I saw Bella in the afterlife, she wouldn't love me anymore. But all I could do, was hope. 

The Volturi had denied my request. None of them were sympathetic. None, but Marcus. He was the only one who truly understood what it was like to lose the love of your life, your true soul mate. He was the only one who had argued against his brothers for me. His life had been similar to mine. But the girl he wanted, the woman he wanted, I should say, that woman was killed by another vampire. A vampire who had found his meal. And that vampire, had been Aro.

They had rejected my request. Now, I was going to force my hand on them. 

No, Edward. Please, please, please don't do this. I stood in the shadow of the gigantic clock tower. Sunlight was only a step away. Oblivion was only a step away. Bella was only a step away. Bella's voice came back to me. I thought vampires couldn't hallucinate. But maybe, maybe my sub-conscious was trying to tell me something. Maybe a part of Bella stayed with me even when I left her. 

But I want to.

No! If you love me, you wouldn't do this!

That made me stop. My shirt was off my back, dropped onto the ground. Everyone was staring at me now. This was perfect.

If you love me, you won't do this to me. Trying to take advantage of my hesitation, the voice continued.

If you love me, you'll live. You'll prove yourself worthy of me, worthy of my love. You can do that be living. Please. It's all I want.

For a moment, I actually stopped. My mind relishing the sound of her voice one last time. I could spot the Volturi mingling with the rest of the crowd. Jane was there. Felix and Demetri too. 

The voice became louder. This time, they weren't in my head. That probably meant I was closer to death. Closer to oblivion. Closer to Bella. My Bella. My beautiful Isabella Marie Swan.

"Edward!"

I smiled, and closed my eyes. Her voice would soon be real. Soon, she would be real. Not just a hallucination.

"Edward, no!"

I stood there for a moment, then proceeded with my plan. Goodbye, Bella. See you in the next life.

"No! Edward, look at me!"

I took a large stride forward. It would lead me straight into the sun. A millisecond later; Bella slammed into me.

My eyes opened. Mission complete. She was back.


	2. Just Maybe

She'd fallen for the last time, and I wasn't there to catch her. Her last fall. It was hard enough for me to leave her, but in my mind, I at least knew that I could always go back. Now, I could never go back. I could never hold her in my arms, feel her soft, warm body mold against mine. I would never feel the heat from her, the heat that made me feel almost alive. I loved her so much. But Rose, Rose had told me, and that Swan residence had told me, and I just knew Bella was dead. He's not here. He's at the funeral. Those words cut me to the heart. Bella had jumped off a cliff. She'd died from the fall. Charlie was at her funeral. Why had she jumped? Before I left, didn't she promise not to do anything reckless or stupid? But I couldn't understand. Why would she jump? She would have gotten over the break-up. She would have found somebody else, someone who could love her and kiss her and touch her without worrying about killing her each time he did those things. That was over six months ago. Over half a year ago. Maybe . . ., maybe, just maybe, she'd jumped because she wanted to die. She wanted to die because I wasn't with her. And I wasn't with her because I didn't love her anymore, at least, that's what she thought. So, maybe she'd jumped because she still loved me. Just maybe. Just maybe, but at least I could hope she still did. At least I could hope for the best.


	3. Dream a Little Dream

Would she. . . could she ever forgive me? Forgive me for lying, leaving, almost killing. . . her? Could she accept me back? Could she love me? If she pushed me away. . . if she wanted me to leave her. . . I would do what she wished. I would stay near, but I would not leave. I would never leave her again. Now, could she take me back into her life? It would hurt me. . . my soul. . . if she left. If she didn't want me. But it would hurt even more if she chose that dog over me. But I deserved it. I pushed her away, and she'd almost died from it. But why did she jump from that cliff? Had she wanted to die? And if she had, why? 

Dare I say it. . . had she wanted to die because I made her? Because I forced her to? But would that mean she loved me, and she was willing to give up her life to free her pain? Or to stifle it? Her face was gaunt. There were dark circles under her eyes. She looked underfed. Why hadn't she been eating? Alice had already told me the entire story on the plane trip back to Washington, but her words made no sense. Did Bella really love me?

My arms refused to relinquish their hold on her. We were lying in her bed, and she was sleeping. The night after we went to Italy to greet a few. . .people. I wondered if she wanted me with her at all. Her face twisted in her sleep. She started to cry. The tears streaming quietly off her face. Her lips moved.

"Don't leave me. Please." That was it. She nestled her head into my chest and sighed. 

Who was she talking to? In her dream. . .was I in her dream? Before I left, I always starred in her dreams. After I left, I starred in her nightmares. But. . .did she want me to stay? If that was me in her dream at all. But was she going to allow me back into her life? To stay with her was my only dream. The dream I hoped I could have. But would she ever forgive me? 

It didn't matter now. It was the closest I could get to a real dream. My dream. . .about staying with her. . .forever.


End file.
